Posted 2:18 AM by sport

The book created a brief stir as Key explained his theory on the Mike Douglas Show and other portals to enlightenment, and I for one spent a few months searching through mags with a magnifying glass in search of such erotic easter eggs; it was like "Where's Waldo" for the nascent deviate. They sure had my number.

I am not sure now that most of the pictures were ever really there, and chalk it up to the kind of creative woolgathering one does while gazing at clouds.

However, there's no doubt that sex is a big part of advertising, and no ad campaign exploited the carnal come-on better or more blatantly than Newport cigarettes' "Alive With Pleasure" series, begun in the mid-70s and, I think, still active in some diluted form (Given the pariah status of smokes in our health-minded era, they seem to have gone the minimalist route, paring down the already scant copy like huckster Samuel Becketts: my local gas station has a big metal sign in the familiar Newport font and colors, proclaiming either "Alive!" or "Pleasure!" ... I forget which).

Most cigarette firms pitched their wares with lifestyle images of classiness, virility, youth, and even political empowerment (Virginia Slims, the liberated woman's very own cancer stick), but Newport went directly for the crotch with stunning audacity. For someone attuned to the hidden image scare, Alive With Pleasure's unapologetic randiness was a reliable hoot. The ads appeared in mags ranging from Playboy to People to National Lampoon, and for maybe 15 years I'd eagerly seek out the familiar full-page ad to see what smut they cooked up this time.

I collected them, in fact, and here are a few for you.
(Well, I didn't collect 'em really... or "per se", to you pretentious types... I just remembered this crap and looked thru my archive of old mags)

As I locate some of my misplaced favorites, I'll add update entries, but for starters...

We begin with a less overt image, only to guide you gently into what will soon become a sucking maelstrom of sleaze. It nicely introduces the fundamental components of "AWP!" Note the young couple having outdoor fun. Note the Pet Sounds type and the vivid green (for the lights, yellow was used, and for some misbegotten non-menthol version, red, but this green is The Green).

Several other features will become familiar: the jizzmic splashes of water (or snow, in others, or even dripping white fringe on garments and cloth accessories)... the wide-eyed, wide mouth look of ecstasy on the gal - often on the guy as well - and the unorthodox handling of an inanimate object, in this case a raft. Or IS IT just a raft? Here it is both yoni and lingam... she "alive" with the "pleasure" of coitus to the degree that her entire body is obscured... nay, overtaken by that one very special part. Brought to the fulfillment of erotic joy, she is "all 'gine" at last. He, grunting amidst the spuming sploosh of love's labors' won, carries his overinflated vehicle of lust like a man both burdened and suddenly, overwhelmingly free. Muscles tensed and eyes squeezed shut, he, also, is "all peen." The two-tone raft suggests this duo-genital conceit; in this ad, Newport artistically illustrates the vaunted ideal of man/woman physical communion: they've become as one in 'gasm.

While we wind down this particular pictorial appreciation with a post-schtup cig, note also the catchphrase: "After all, if smoking isn't a pleasure, why bother." So casual! Why bother? Maybe 'cause I'm a HOPELESS FUCKING ADDICT, you bastards!







Dig this one, perverts! >>>>>

What can I possibly say? She's letting the hose discharge well clear of her mouth, the crafty vixen, but the blonde boy ain't complaining. After all, with that kung fu grip and the gentle application of teeth to her task, this gal ain't skimping on the technique.

Also observe the little array of Newport packs below the main image, all up 'n' at 'em like a mob of happy voyeurs.









Turnabout is fair play.

Eat that "pie", you rascal you! She raises her arm, victorious, now that she's found one hungry hunk adept at gobblin' the sweet treat to full complete (the guy to the right of them has a forlorn handful of drippy leavins; methinks he gave up early).


But Prince Charming didn't disappoint his lady fair. He's just come up for air with a look of "what a good boy am I" ...and how, brother!



But get a lungful quick... by the look of her hand pressing on your head, I think you're going down for seconds!



I feel like a porno Pete Smith.



Bear in mind that the human psyche is a sophisticated, mysterious, complex and filthy thing. Advertisers know that by using certain "cues" they can inspire a circus of pornographic excesses in a reader's head. Let me show you a few Newport ads, and then clarify the intent by my own demystifying re-arrangements of the already hubba-hubba contents.

I'd do anything for you, friends.

Now, my detail work only represents one interpretation... on aspect of the fuck-jolly madness implicit in these images. How about this, though?


Sure, but consider:







Nannng! Naannnnggg!!!
I mean, it's there, if we have but eyes to see.













Brokeback mountin' anyone? Howdy, pardner!















Boing!!!!





Kinda surreal, eh?

Sur-real it scares me!
How's that for getting "a little head?"
Ha ha ha!

puff puff... man I dig these menthols.

If you think I'm way out of line, check the position of the mandatory pack-o-smokes below the main photo. It says what I said, but ...like... subliminally.

And don't miss the slogan in this ad. Just so you don't waste a drop of my incredible wit. HA HA HA!!! What a cut-up!





Maybe I'm getting a little too into this...

...but after all, if creating a saucy blog entry isn't a pleasure, why bother?