Posted 12:24 AM by sport

Some cogitations inspired by an entry in my buddy Don's excellent blog "Isn't Life Terrible" in which he notes a few things that rankle his ass.

"Not for nothing, but..." A phrase that has maddened me for years. The grammatical logic of it eludes me; it should mean "the following is being said for a good reason..." so why the "but?" I've often tried to break it down to explain its popularity... its "pop-necessity" or at least some credible theory as to its origin. For instance, there's this annoying "That's what I'M talking about!" The pop necessity here is a desire to sound like a confident jock. It's "I like this (car/song/member of the opposite sex/bar-b-q/etc.)" with an added air of playful arrogance culturally associated with "regular guys." These days, such catchphrases do well when they evoke the swagger of hiphop or cowboy hat bellicosity; they get old faster than you can say "bling" but that's part of the point of those things.

A great many people seem to relish the opportunity to groan in mock horror at the reminder of some personal fashion folly of yore: take the recent hubbub about mullets. I suspect that people wore these 'dos solely to wince at the memory of having done so; it's some kind of collective, long-term self-effacement ritual. Some guy who wore matching acid-washed jeans and jackets in 1986 even while delightedly noting how dweeby he looked in a leisure suited wedding photo from 10 years earlier now looks at an old vacation snap of himself in that acid-washed ensemble and "oh brothers" that same "oh brother, what was I thinking?"

Maybe you were thinking of this moment, o brother; you were anticipating another go at the ritual. This eventual opportunity to demonstrate that your taste has advanced since those silly days of yore but that, after all, you were one of the many and therefore not really so dorky after all. It's harmless enough, like the bogus "spontaneity" of wedding schtick: "Oh man, they shmushed cake on each other's faces... haha the best man is insulting the groom during the toast..." sanctioned, codified irreverence that points up the (real or imagined) warm camaraderie of the occasion.

But anyway, "Not for nothing, but..."
The gist of this cliche is actually: "I'm gonna put in my two cents here... it may sound mildly controversial, but is essentially the truth. It is the kind of commonsense observation I pride myself on having the chutzpah to state outright. You may or may not have thought of it and said nothing, but by gum I thought of it and here I am saying it. You are expected to agree, as it is inarguably factual and worth noting as such."

It's a fanfare that announces the variable statement which will follow; it's a bolder version of "Uh, confidentially..." which gets your attention by implying the secondary gist of the device.
This secondary gistage is invariably some sort of critical observation. One never says "not for nothing, but good pumpernickel is a real pleasure to consume." (for that you simply take a bite, swallow with satisfaction and bellow "now that's what I'm talking about!")
It's more often something like "not for nothing, but that pumpernickel he was raving about tasted more like an old Converse sneaker." (which you may well say privately, out of earshot of your sandwich-serving host, to whom you just bellowed "now that's what I'm talking about!")

"Not for nothing, but if that band succeeds it'll be a miracle." (Muttered confidentially after leaving your brother-in-law's showcase gig in Wantagh.)
"Not for nothing, but you'll never see that 20 again." (muttered knowingly to a pal who just loaned money to another pal.)
I have little doubt that numerous versions of these very "not for nothing, buts" have been invoked in reference to me, by the way. And not for nothing, as it turns out. But...

Is the "but" a buffer? A kind of "I sorta hate to say this..." added to cushion the main phrase? Dig: "Not for nothing: that guy should lay off the booze." I'm sure people use it this way, but it rings wrong. No longer conspiratorial, regular-guy observation, it now becomes didactic. "Now hear this..."

Anyway, it is truly a conversational gambit of, by and for dicks.

I conclude this topic with a digression about my Dad, who at some point in later life took up the pop witticism "that's what she said!" with alarming and inappropriate gusto. I say "inappropriate" not in the sense of "boorish" ...the whole idea of the phrase is to sound comically boorish:
Speaker A (trying to force a sofa through a narrow doorway): "...c'mon, push it harder! It's almost in!"
Speaker B (leering): "That's what she said!"

Speaker A (disgustedly chewing a bite of a sandwich on bad pumpernickel): "If I try to swallow this I'm gonna fucking hurl"
Speaker B (leering): "That's what she said!"

Now I like this kind of humor, to the chagrin of many people I know. Crude scatological, sexual or ethnic cracks uttered in full awareness of their turd-in-the-punchbowl potential. I may or may not appreciate it when others "play the boor" but I give myself wide berth, assuming that I am already viewed as an asshole anyway, and may as well enjoy the role's perquisites. But Dad, he was different. When I say "inappropriate" I mean "what th'...??" to wit:

Speaker A (game show mc announcing a player's status): "You are 2 questions away from winning that Pontiac!"
Dad (grinning widely): "That's what she said!"

Speaker A (family member noting the weather): "It's gonna start pouring any minute!"
Dad (grinning widely): "That's what she said!"

Now, my Dad was no idiot. So that leaves two possibles. Either he was losing his mind completely, which I doubt, since he also coined such late-life phrases as the sublime "that was a real roundabout nothing-of-shit!" So, then, Dad was an absurdist. That gentle version of Dada which his son relishes and his grand-twins have perfected. And absurdism is, triumphantly, for nothing. No buts about it.