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Wednesday, May 21, 2003
Even though I am an old, old guy, I try to stay on top of contemporary culture just to keep my perspective fresh and to make sure my music keeps the "edge" that has made it so beloved by so many for so long. Sitting on my ancient, grotesque ass in front of the TV for hours is a big part of that effort. Saw a great one tonight.
"The Twenty Sexiest Outtakes From 'The Top Twenty Most Controversial Moments In MTV List-Show History'" was really good. They showed this fat VeeJay guy who has a really quick dry wit introducing a clip from the "Countdown Of The Hottest Hotties of MTV Spring Break: The First 10 Years" in which Crash Test Dummies were playing while Gilbert Gottfried squeezed some girl's tits (those were the days), and just when the fat VeeJay was gonna make some really cutting remark about the old clip, who busts in but some other guy from MTV playing a practical joke. It involved something getting whipped out, but they obscured it with that pixelly computer censorship distortion so you couldn't tell what was being whipped out, but I think it was the guy's cock.
The fat VeeJay said something but they bleeped him, but it was funny as hell anyway. Man! It was something! So anyway, this clip was I think number 15 in the sexiest outtakes list and they had celebrities commenting on it.
Apollonia from Purple Rain said: "I remember hearing about the time one guy just took it out right there on the set of the 'Countdown Of The Hottest Hotties…' and, man, that was INSANE!"
Henry Rollins said "If there was a moment when even that fat VeeJay guy was caught speechless it was when the other guy hung a snake on him. Now THAT was a moment for the books!"
Some actress who used to be on the Cosby Show said: "We were watching that show in the dressing room of a Lifetime movie I was shooting, and I was SHOCKED to find out later that the fat guy had gotten flashed by the other guy right when he was about to introduce a clip."
Bronson Pinchot (I think) said: "Just remember kids… don't try this 'whipping your schlong out to embarrass the fat VeeJay' stuff at home!"
This comedian named Titus something-or-other said: "No VeeJay penises were harmed in the making of this outtake!"
Boy oh boy! Bronson Pinchot's so fucking funny. Or maybe it was some other, newer guy from some other, newer show like "Will and Grace." I'm not sure, but ha ha ha, I say! And that Titus guy is funny too! What a great show. And the ads! I could've watched another thousand of them without even caring anymore. It's always good to see Rollins too. He's such a legend.
Why is that?
Aside from Black Flag always having sucked damn near absolutely, it was the finest work Rollins was ever involved with. Does ANYBODY listen to him? If so, why?
Just kidding. He's the greatest! Yeah! Just look at him! Grrr!
I also think Colin Quinn's show "Tough Crowd" is just wonderful. It follows "The Daily Show" the way Monday follows the weekend. The way the void follows all we know, alll we love and all we dream. Quinn stands drinking deli coffee and bringing up topics from the news while a bunch of comedians sit around and insult each other. There's usually one female, one male negro and two male caucasians. Boy it's edgy! They affect that fake, forced "street" attitude that makes you glad you don't hang around with comedians. I watch it religiously because I'm sure that one night Colin Quinn will actually say something both coherent AND funny, and I wanna be there when it happens. Now he usually just makes funny comments on how his own gags bombed with the audience… the old Carson monologue "I know that joke sucked" save. Remember how hilarious that was the first 5,000 times Johnny used it? The best thing I saw so far was when Denis Leary was reduced to a sputtering, outraged embarrassment by the cutting, retaliatory remarks of a sharper, fresher comic. What could top it?
Maybe Quinn might make up a wacky story in which, let's say, his mother aggressively excludes (for the sake of example) my sister from planning her own son's memorial service, claiming that "the Kennedy family did it this way." Wouldn't that be funny? You bet! Imagine the nutty, unlikely-but-hilarious scenarios he could spin off of that premise! The antics of a whole brood of lace-curtain mick harpies and their spineless, eunuch males… all wallowing in their own ludicrous pomposity and the blood and tears of others! Hot dog! I bet that would be a hoot.
I love our culture!
I love people!
I love this life!
"The Twenty Sexiest Outtakes From 'The Top Twenty Most Controversial Moments In MTV List-Show History'" was really good. They showed this fat VeeJay guy who has a really quick dry wit introducing a clip from the "Countdown Of The Hottest Hotties of MTV Spring Break: The First 10 Years" in which Crash Test Dummies were playing while Gilbert Gottfried squeezed some girl's tits (those were the days), and just when the fat VeeJay was gonna make some really cutting remark about the old clip, who busts in but some other guy from MTV playing a practical joke. It involved something getting whipped out, but they obscured it with that pixelly computer censorship distortion so you couldn't tell what was being whipped out, but I think it was the guy's cock.
The fat VeeJay said something but they bleeped him, but it was funny as hell anyway. Man! It was something! So anyway, this clip was I think number 15 in the sexiest outtakes list and they had celebrities commenting on it.
Apollonia from Purple Rain said: "I remember hearing about the time one guy just took it out right there on the set of the 'Countdown Of The Hottest Hotties…' and, man, that was INSANE!"
Henry Rollins said "If there was a moment when even that fat VeeJay guy was caught speechless it was when the other guy hung a snake on him. Now THAT was a moment for the books!"
Some actress who used to be on the Cosby Show said: "We were watching that show in the dressing room of a Lifetime movie I was shooting, and I was SHOCKED to find out later that the fat guy had gotten flashed by the other guy right when he was about to introduce a clip."
Bronson Pinchot (I think) said: "Just remember kids… don't try this 'whipping your schlong out to embarrass the fat VeeJay' stuff at home!"
This comedian named Titus something-or-other said: "No VeeJay penises were harmed in the making of this outtake!"
Boy oh boy! Bronson Pinchot's so fucking funny. Or maybe it was some other, newer guy from some other, newer show like "Will and Grace." I'm not sure, but ha ha ha, I say! And that Titus guy is funny too! What a great show. And the ads! I could've watched another thousand of them without even caring anymore. It's always good to see Rollins too. He's such a legend.
Why is that?
Aside from Black Flag always having sucked damn near absolutely, it was the finest work Rollins was ever involved with. Does ANYBODY listen to him? If so, why?
Just kidding. He's the greatest! Yeah! Just look at him! Grrr!
I also think Colin Quinn's show "Tough Crowd" is just wonderful. It follows "The Daily Show" the way Monday follows the weekend. The way the void follows all we know, alll we love and all we dream. Quinn stands drinking deli coffee and bringing up topics from the news while a bunch of comedians sit around and insult each other. There's usually one female, one male negro and two male caucasians. Boy it's edgy! They affect that fake, forced "street" attitude that makes you glad you don't hang around with comedians. I watch it religiously because I'm sure that one night Colin Quinn will actually say something both coherent AND funny, and I wanna be there when it happens. Now he usually just makes funny comments on how his own gags bombed with the audience… the old Carson monologue "I know that joke sucked" save. Remember how hilarious that was the first 5,000 times Johnny used it? The best thing I saw so far was when Denis Leary was reduced to a sputtering, outraged embarrassment by the cutting, retaliatory remarks of a sharper, fresher comic. What could top it?
Maybe Quinn might make up a wacky story in which, let's say, his mother aggressively excludes (for the sake of example) my sister from planning her own son's memorial service, claiming that "the Kennedy family did it this way." Wouldn't that be funny? You bet! Imagine the nutty, unlikely-but-hilarious scenarios he could spin off of that premise! The antics of a whole brood of lace-curtain mick harpies and their spineless, eunuch males… all wallowing in their own ludicrous pomposity and the blood and tears of others! Hot dog! I bet that would be a hoot.
I love our culture!
I love people!
I love this life!
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
When I got sober back in 1993, even though AA had all this "one day at a time" stuff (which is truly the way to go, then and now), one of the things that got and kept me off the sauce for 8 years was the private promise to myself: "One day I WILL drink again." There are already too few pleasures in life, and cigs are one of my true satisfactions. Sorry, but it's so. Fuck… I don't want none of them horrible consequences any more than you do, but damn I enjoy cigarettes. And one day I WILL smoke again. Maybe I'll go on occasional binges and do this quitting thing all over again. Maybe better and better cessation measures will keep getting developed and I can keep quitting and resuming all the time, maintaining a serpentine self-abuse pattern even cancer, emphysema, heart attack and stroke can't draw a bead on. For now, though, I can't smoke and I won't. Temptation's been stronger than I can convey, but I deal.
Anyhow, I have not actually smoked. Bought a pack of nicotine-free smokes - which are still loaded with tar (and taste, no doubt, like ass) - as a psychological comfort in the pocket. Have not cracked the pack. Whether I ever do it or not, it's surely way too soon now. In fact, the more horrific withdrawal symptoms are behind me. I feel pretty "good" mentally and there's a marked improvement in my blood flow and breathing. No chest pains, bla bla. I think I'm an ex-smoker, by cracky! And if nothing else can keep me smokeless, it's the twins.
Saw them today on ultrasound! Wriggling and writhing in there… all's well and on schedule. What a strange thing it is to see your own enwombed progeny frugging on the monitor like Sea Monkeys. I have been examining the printouts the ultragal gave us as souvenirs, like those photos you can buy at theme parks showing what you look like shooting down the log flume. The kids look great, thanks. One of them has a face like Van Gogh's "Potato Eaters" attached to a head like that of the Metaluna mutant from "This Island Earth." This one was gamboling, flailing its limbs and generally indicating a boisterous, energetic nature. A go-getter. Full of piss and vinegar. This tells me he or she will get along well with Shelley. The other one was more relaxed; the fetus seemed to be assuming a "John Glenn in the capsule" or "Seamus Murphy on the La-Z-Boy" pose, and I could swear I saw a tiny, itsy bitsy remote in this kid's embro-mitt. Another odd thing I noticed was a sort of Commedia dell'arte mask on the infink's teensy face… Cyrano nose… a real cut-up. Zany, but in a pretentious and antiquarian way. And sedentary. He's all mine. Navel-gazing from the inside. Enjoy it while you can, kids. Life will never be this good again.
Nevertheless, I can't wait until they are out here so I can squeeze their faces into amusing grimaces and photograph the results. I can't wait to dress them in matching fishing hats decorated with pictures of Bing Crosby. Shelley is enduring the tortures of the damned, but with today's thumbs-up on progress, her preggo burdens and my quitter's psychoses are far less troubling. We even heard their hearts beating… sort of like an LTJ Bukem track... pretty cool.
I read some newspapers today. NY Daily News, June 1968. Turns out the guy who shot RFK is a disgruntled Arab named Sirhan Sirhan. John Cassavetes, current star of Rosemary's Baby can be seen with wife Gena Rowlands on ABC's "Suspense Theater." Does anyone recall the opening of that show? Animated stick figures darting through barren De Chirico idscapes. Really nifty staccato music. I'm looking for a video of that.
I'm also SERIOUSLY searching for a tape including the "Carolina… the extra-long-grain ri-ice" jingle. And Fifth Avenue candy bar: "Oh it's the NUTS!" It was on the tube when we arrived home from the Sanders theater after watching "One Million Years BC" and the fresh memory of Raquel's cro-magnificence va-va-vooming in lush fur-o-vision imprinted on my mind in connection with that jingle forevermore. Oddly, I can see the film itself and… nothing. But recalling the jingle gives me that twice-removed mnemonic "zot" mit "Booiiiiinggg!".
Nah, not really, but it's otherwise totally true.
There is some discussion of a new album. While it's still possible to rehearse, I remain open to gigging, too, if anyone knows anyone that can and will play my shit. Yeah, I know... forget I mentioned it.
Anyhow, I have not actually smoked. Bought a pack of nicotine-free smokes - which are still loaded with tar (and taste, no doubt, like ass) - as a psychological comfort in the pocket. Have not cracked the pack. Whether I ever do it or not, it's surely way too soon now. In fact, the more horrific withdrawal symptoms are behind me. I feel pretty "good" mentally and there's a marked improvement in my blood flow and breathing. No chest pains, bla bla. I think I'm an ex-smoker, by cracky! And if nothing else can keep me smokeless, it's the twins.
Saw them today on ultrasound! Wriggling and writhing in there… all's well and on schedule. What a strange thing it is to see your own enwombed progeny frugging on the monitor like Sea Monkeys. I have been examining the printouts the ultragal gave us as souvenirs, like those photos you can buy at theme parks showing what you look like shooting down the log flume. The kids look great, thanks. One of them has a face like Van Gogh's "Potato Eaters" attached to a head like that of the Metaluna mutant from "This Island Earth." This one was gamboling, flailing its limbs and generally indicating a boisterous, energetic nature. A go-getter. Full of piss and vinegar. This tells me he or she will get along well with Shelley. The other one was more relaxed; the fetus seemed to be assuming a "John Glenn in the capsule" or "Seamus Murphy on the La-Z-Boy" pose, and I could swear I saw a tiny, itsy bitsy remote in this kid's embro-mitt. Another odd thing I noticed was a sort of Commedia dell'arte mask on the infink's teensy face… Cyrano nose… a real cut-up. Zany, but in a pretentious and antiquarian way. And sedentary. He's all mine. Navel-gazing from the inside. Enjoy it while you can, kids. Life will never be this good again.
Nevertheless, I can't wait until they are out here so I can squeeze their faces into amusing grimaces and photograph the results. I can't wait to dress them in matching fishing hats decorated with pictures of Bing Crosby. Shelley is enduring the tortures of the damned, but with today's thumbs-up on progress, her preggo burdens and my quitter's psychoses are far less troubling. We even heard their hearts beating… sort of like an LTJ Bukem track... pretty cool.
I read some newspapers today. NY Daily News, June 1968. Turns out the guy who shot RFK is a disgruntled Arab named Sirhan Sirhan. John Cassavetes, current star of Rosemary's Baby can be seen with wife Gena Rowlands on ABC's "Suspense Theater." Does anyone recall the opening of that show? Animated stick figures darting through barren De Chirico idscapes. Really nifty staccato music. I'm looking for a video of that.
I'm also SERIOUSLY searching for a tape including the "Carolina… the extra-long-grain ri-ice" jingle. And Fifth Avenue candy bar: "Oh it's the NUTS!" It was on the tube when we arrived home from the Sanders theater after watching "One Million Years BC" and the fresh memory of Raquel's cro-magnificence va-va-vooming in lush fur-o-vision imprinted on my mind in connection with that jingle forevermore. Oddly, I can see the film itself and… nothing. But recalling the jingle gives me that twice-removed mnemonic "zot" mit "Booiiiiinggg!".
Nah, not really, but it's otherwise totally true.
There is some discussion of a new album. While it's still possible to rehearse, I remain open to gigging, too, if anyone knows anyone that can and will play my shit. Yeah, I know... forget I mentioned it.