Posted 2:25 PM by sport

I'm finding TV more and more offensive...

9 PM EST, LOCAL LISTINGS

CBS - PIMP MY QUEER
Attractive young male homosexuals are “made over” into female prostitutes, then compete for the mercurial affections of hosts Ice T and George Hamilton.

NBC - TRADING ROCK STARS
Former members of once-popular bands are shuffled around and forced to play unfamiliar songs for the amusement of an audience of attractive young people.

ABC - DANCING WITH THE SURREAL
Jocelyn Wildenstein and Mickey Rourke teach injured animals to tango.

FOX - THIS OLD BABY
Infants are “made over” from gurgling, squirming baldies into elegant inanimate objects and auctioned off to decadent billionaires.

MTV - CROCODIL’D
Attractive young celebrities sic carnivorous reptiles on their famous friends. Hosted by lovable Aussie Nick Cave.

WB - ANIMAL APPRENTICE
Attractive young people compete to become the favored house pet of decadent billionaires.

UPN - AMERICA’S FUNNIEST FIRINGS
Ambitious losers are caught on hidden cameras being humiliated by their celebrity employers for arbitrary “offenses.”

CRTV - COPZILLAS
Police officers on the brink of complete personal meltdown are driven over the edge through traumatic pranks; the last one to attempt suicide gets to marry an attractive young homosexual billionaire.

GSN - FAT FACTOR
Attractive young people are goaded to eat themselves to obesity and are then humiliated by celebrities and their pets.

PBS - THE PEOPLE’S ROADSHOW
Attractive young people parade their unattractive old relatives before celebrity judges for on-the-spot estimates of personal worth.

A/E - DOCTOR BRAT
Attractive child billionaires practice rudimentary surgery on desperate losers competing for a 1,000 dollar cash prize.

IO - BLIND FAMILY
Night vision cameras capture the frustration of “campy” minor celebrities forced to live together for 5 months in absolute, round-the-clock darkness.

U - FORENSIC MAKEOVER
Messy crime scenes are redesigned by attractive young homosexual men.

(sometimes) Y - SISTER DOG
A charming nun eloquently analyzes the tattoos of celebrity pets.

EEK - THE PLANET’S MOST OUTRAGEOUS VAGINAS
Hidden camera cuntery.

VH1 - MAKING THE CHOPPER
Sean “P ‘Puff (Puffy) Daddy’ Diddy" Combs oversees the construction of a custom motorcycle by attractive homosexual celebrity children.

MTV2 – MONSTER FILES
Islamic fundamentalists perform random acts of unspeakable horror; host Noam Chomsky explains why.

FNC - UNSOLVED LISTS
Sean “Puff” Hannity and Alan “Diddy” Colmes argue over the validity of lists of “100 Celebrity OOPS Moments” before a jury of attractive young pets. Features humorous “break-in” commentary by stand-up comics.

VH2 -VIVA LA BOUNTY!
Duane “Dog” Chapman and Bam Margera host as attractive young compete to see which paper towel is indeed the “quicker picker upper.”

BRV - SURVIVOR’S STUDIO
Show biz legends are forced to eat disgusting things.

WTF - PSYCHIC NANNY
Matronly British women explain to anxious billionaire couples exactly how and when their children will die.

BET - OLD SCHOOL HOUSE
Young Hiphop artists perform “home invasions” on white homes of different historical eras. Hosted by Al Pacino.

CNN – MEET THE CHEF
Comical Asian culinary experts (redubbed by Adam Carolla and Gilbert Gottfried) must somehow concoct savory dishes from parts of Ann Coulter’s body.