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Thursday, May 27, 2004
VELVET REVOLVER?!? Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Yeah, why not? Hope they move ‘zilla units.
PBS just wasted an hour of my life, an hour which would have been better spent emeryboarding my corns. A friend recommended this “Frontline” show, THE WAY THE MUSIC DIED, on the recommendation of some other lying sack o’ shit who’d evidently seen it. The press-release claim:
…What happened to music? Where were the stores? Who were the new artists? What was hot and what was hype? This winter, starting at the 2004 Grammys, my FRONTLINE production team
and I set out to answer those questions. And this week, in "The Way the Music Died," we offer some of our answers. We'll also introduce you to some artists we met and followed along the way - America's hottest new rock band, "Velvet Revolver," and an appealing young woman named Sarah Hudson. She's attempting the nearly impossible - to find success as a singer/songwriter in a business almost everyone agrees is on the verge of collapse."
HOO BOY!!!
What did we glean from this show?
Sarah Hudson is the cousin of that actress whose mother is Goldie Hawn. A “struggling” singer-songwriter - to the industry born – hoping that the fortunes being spent on her career launch will pay off in bigger fortunes made. Her talent is, to put it kindly, suspect.
“America’s Hottest Rock Band” - the aforemocked “Iron Aftermath” …uh… I mean “Vanilla Foreverchanges” … no wait… “Petsounds Underground” …er… “Velvet Revolver” – turns out to be a supergroup of famous 90s heroin addicts. They suck astonishing ass. Can you believe that the castoffs of Guns-N-Roses and Stone Temple Pilots would suck astonishing ass? IT’S TRUE! Sob!!!
The program is essentially a commercial for these two acts, masquerading as hard-hitting journalism. What else awaits us in this breezy hour of blatant nothingness?
We see rock critics with strangely-shaped faces commenting on the state of the industry. Ooh, it’s baaaad! Downloads! Baaad! Chain stores stock but few of the releases and censor them! Baaaad!
We’re told that of the 4 trillion album releases per annum, only 2 become hits. Oooooh! Tough odds!
Brrrr!
Hommina, Hommina! We learn exactly DICK, which is exactly what rock critics have to teach us about anything.
We see Outkast’s manager bemoaning the fact that the labels don’t put out great MUSIC anymore. Like Outkast, I guess, who are everyone’s dearly beloved because they sorta remind everyone of actual, decent music once heard by everyone. Just what I need: a wan reminder of the thin crap of older days (so I can “get it” on terms I already know), but with a nice contemporary spin (so I can feel sorta hip and relevant). Best thing Since Lauryn Hill, I say! She also reminded everyone of stuff that used to be similar to something that was once good, and with hiphop cred, too! Yeah, why don’t the labels put out more of THAT?
We see David Crosby personifying integrity, wisdom and the lost art of great songwriting. Yeah, he’d be the first person I’d go to… if I wanted tips on how to survive decades of pharmaceutical gluttony with enough cut left in my strut to provide a beaker of viable cum to wannabe mommas who’d rather not upload junior the old fashioned way. But integrity, wisdom and the lost art of great songwriting? Bob Gaudio would be my "go-to" guy. (See? I used a snappy contemporary cliche there. That's what I'M talking about)
Best of all, we witness the dead-eyed putzes who work in the music biz. Spouting tired malarkey about how “people were skeptical of Strawberry Kontroversy, but after their 6-song debut gig, jaws were hanging open… jism and slish befouled the pants of everyone present… jaded executives drew dueling swords for the honor of signing them…” …ad hilarium. These overpaid pismires are a laugh a minute, talking about how Scott Weiland will “probably” be able to deal with the new career in spite of his continuing love of chinee oblivium. How many thousands of worthy artists don’t rate a bird-flip from these jackals, yet they prop up a biohazardous cadaver like this with claims of “he LIVES for music… it’s all he is!”
Holy mutherfucking MOLEY! 2 million spent on fucking PROMOTION. (Kill Rock Stars spends about one two-millionth of that on my shit. And they’ll get it back if I ever sell copy ONE of my albums. Let me tell you folks about “the way the music dies.” Mind you, I ain’t complaining… I know my stuff sucks… to most ignorant cuntwipes, anyhow. At least KRS puts it out)
In terms of actual insight into why the music business is a catastrophe, the only thing I can suggest is to take a bird’s-eye view of this whole program:
Empty shuck and jive all ‘round.
Parrotshit critics.
Talentless talent.
Execrable executives.
All the obvious targets and obvious et ceteras… plus the cultural cretinism, journalistic fraudulence and programming cluelessness that allows a program such as this to pass muster as ANY sort of “report” on ANYTHING relating to ANYTHING at all.
HOW DARE THEY ENTICE ME TO WATCH THIS FUCKING INANITY!!!!
FUCK PBS… the only time they show ANY music you’d want to see, bet your ass it’ll be interrupted every 2 minutes by some ingratiating employee trying to persuade you to send money so you can OWN THE FUCKING PROGRAM YOU’RE OSTENSIBLY WATCHING! “On dvd with 2 extra numbers, and no interruptions from ME!!” Is this not the stupidest form of blackmail yet devised in order to keep that blowhard Charlie Rose employed? All the rest of the time it’s the “seven spiritual laws for increased bourgeois accumulation" and please-make-it-stop documentaries about uninteresting Hispanic peasants caught in the crossfire of grave conflicts that you’d have to be Noam Chomsky’s retarded brother to give two shits about. Oh yeah, and Ken Burns’ 69-hour series on the history of American Stamp Enthusiasts (and the brave African-American pioneers who gave all to pave the way for multicultural philately in the land of the …hmmm… not-so-free), to be savored by Nilla-wafer caucasoids with more dollars than brain cells who think they are intellectually and morally superior to their snarling, slackjawed counterparts who sit shouting “FUCKING A!!” At Bill O’Reilly’s latest declaration of outrage.
What was I saying? Oh yeah, the music industry…
Let the industry collapse. Tonight, please! And let us understand why it is collapsing: Music sucks, consumers are jerkwads, everything costs too much, everyone in the entertainment racket is a bottom-feeding waste of flesh that ought to be piled high along with with all the others in some Abu Gharib of Just Infinity and power-fucked by thorny pneumatic dildos until the whole steaming heap yells “I’m SORRY!” in 12-part harmony, and then immolated.
Let it collapse!
Every major and minor and indie… every club and coliseum… every chain store, mom and pop shop and website… every radio station, tv outlet and website… every magazine and website… every sensitive loose-sphinctered singer/songwriter, jowly jaded pro, menacingly gesticulating Crow Jim rapper in full bounce-squat, silicon-titted tweetytwat, downtown two-bit hipster with an amp and a power drill, terminally melismatic American Idolater, sunglassed tinnitus-bound club dj, Asian Mozart specialist du jour, snotnose Jazz purist with a college degree in “so what”, subsonically growling deathmetal clown, melodically-gifted chucklehead superfluon, crackerass Country fraud yodeling belligerent odes to the “working man,” shitsoup soundtrack hack, head-tilting all-the-right-influences idea-free Rockist, drip-dry New Age soporificant, Ironic dork-pop-revivalist douchebag, fearless politically-aware lone wolf, closeted goth self-dramatizer, McSweeney’s-approved high-concept wunderkind, hustling has-been, anxious dreamer and self-plugger with a website…
…every blog.
Naaaaah, just kidding. Rock ON!
Yeah, why not? Hope they move ‘zilla units.
PBS just wasted an hour of my life, an hour which would have been better spent emeryboarding my corns. A friend recommended this “Frontline” show, THE WAY THE MUSIC DIED, on the recommendation of some other lying sack o’ shit who’d evidently seen it. The press-release claim:
…What happened to music? Where were the stores? Who were the new artists? What was hot and what was hype? This winter, starting at the 2004 Grammys, my FRONTLINE production team
and I set out to answer those questions. And this week, in "The Way the Music Died," we offer some of our answers. We'll also introduce you to some artists we met and followed along the way - America's hottest new rock band, "Velvet Revolver," and an appealing young woman named Sarah Hudson. She's attempting the nearly impossible - to find success as a singer/songwriter in a business almost everyone agrees is on the verge of collapse."
HOO BOY!!!
What did we glean from this show?
Sarah Hudson is the cousin of that actress whose mother is Goldie Hawn. A “struggling” singer-songwriter - to the industry born – hoping that the fortunes being spent on her career launch will pay off in bigger fortunes made. Her talent is, to put it kindly, suspect.
“America’s Hottest Rock Band” - the aforemocked “Iron Aftermath” …uh… I mean “Vanilla Foreverchanges” … no wait… “Petsounds Underground” …er… “Velvet Revolver” – turns out to be a supergroup of famous 90s heroin addicts. They suck astonishing ass. Can you believe that the castoffs of Guns-N-Roses and Stone Temple Pilots would suck astonishing ass? IT’S TRUE! Sob!!!
The program is essentially a commercial for these two acts, masquerading as hard-hitting journalism. What else awaits us in this breezy hour of blatant nothingness?
We see rock critics with strangely-shaped faces commenting on the state of the industry. Ooh, it’s baaaad! Downloads! Baaad! Chain stores stock but few of the releases and censor them! Baaaad!
We’re told that of the 4 trillion album releases per annum, only 2 become hits. Oooooh! Tough odds!
Brrrr!
Hommina, Hommina! We learn exactly DICK, which is exactly what rock critics have to teach us about anything.
We see Outkast’s manager bemoaning the fact that the labels don’t put out great MUSIC anymore. Like Outkast, I guess, who are everyone’s dearly beloved because they sorta remind everyone of actual, decent music once heard by everyone. Just what I need: a wan reminder of the thin crap of older days (so I can “get it” on terms I already know), but with a nice contemporary spin (so I can feel sorta hip and relevant). Best thing Since Lauryn Hill, I say! She also reminded everyone of stuff that used to be similar to something that was once good, and with hiphop cred, too! Yeah, why don’t the labels put out more of THAT?
We see David Crosby personifying integrity, wisdom and the lost art of great songwriting. Yeah, he’d be the first person I’d go to… if I wanted tips on how to survive decades of pharmaceutical gluttony with enough cut left in my strut to provide a beaker of viable cum to wannabe mommas who’d rather not upload junior the old fashioned way. But integrity, wisdom and the lost art of great songwriting? Bob Gaudio would be my "go-to" guy. (See? I used a snappy contemporary cliche there. That's what I'M talking about)
Best of all, we witness the dead-eyed putzes who work in the music biz. Spouting tired malarkey about how “people were skeptical of Strawberry Kontroversy, but after their 6-song debut gig, jaws were hanging open… jism and slish befouled the pants of everyone present… jaded executives drew dueling swords for the honor of signing them…” …ad hilarium. These overpaid pismires are a laugh a minute, talking about how Scott Weiland will “probably” be able to deal with the new career in spite of his continuing love of chinee oblivium. How many thousands of worthy artists don’t rate a bird-flip from these jackals, yet they prop up a biohazardous cadaver like this with claims of “he LIVES for music… it’s all he is!”
Holy mutherfucking MOLEY! 2 million spent on fucking PROMOTION. (Kill Rock Stars spends about one two-millionth of that on my shit. And they’ll get it back if I ever sell copy ONE of my albums. Let me tell you folks about “the way the music dies.” Mind you, I ain’t complaining… I know my stuff sucks… to most ignorant cuntwipes, anyhow. At least KRS puts it out)
In terms of actual insight into why the music business is a catastrophe, the only thing I can suggest is to take a bird’s-eye view of this whole program:
Empty shuck and jive all ‘round.
Parrotshit critics.
Talentless talent.
Execrable executives.
All the obvious targets and obvious et ceteras… plus the cultural cretinism, journalistic fraudulence and programming cluelessness that allows a program such as this to pass muster as ANY sort of “report” on ANYTHING relating to ANYTHING at all.
HOW DARE THEY ENTICE ME TO WATCH THIS FUCKING INANITY!!!!
FUCK PBS… the only time they show ANY music you’d want to see, bet your ass it’ll be interrupted every 2 minutes by some ingratiating employee trying to persuade you to send money so you can OWN THE FUCKING PROGRAM YOU’RE OSTENSIBLY WATCHING! “On dvd with 2 extra numbers, and no interruptions from ME!!” Is this not the stupidest form of blackmail yet devised in order to keep that blowhard Charlie Rose employed? All the rest of the time it’s the “seven spiritual laws for increased bourgeois accumulation" and please-make-it-stop documentaries about uninteresting Hispanic peasants caught in the crossfire of grave conflicts that you’d have to be Noam Chomsky’s retarded brother to give two shits about. Oh yeah, and Ken Burns’ 69-hour series on the history of American Stamp Enthusiasts (and the brave African-American pioneers who gave all to pave the way for multicultural philately in the land of the …hmmm… not-so-free), to be savored by Nilla-wafer caucasoids with more dollars than brain cells who think they are intellectually and morally superior to their snarling, slackjawed counterparts who sit shouting “FUCKING A!!” At Bill O’Reilly’s latest declaration of outrage.
What was I saying? Oh yeah, the music industry…
Let the industry collapse. Tonight, please! And let us understand why it is collapsing: Music sucks, consumers are jerkwads, everything costs too much, everyone in the entertainment racket is a bottom-feeding waste of flesh that ought to be piled high along with with all the others in some Abu Gharib of Just Infinity and power-fucked by thorny pneumatic dildos until the whole steaming heap yells “I’m SORRY!” in 12-part harmony, and then immolated.
Let it collapse!
Every major and minor and indie… every club and coliseum… every chain store, mom and pop shop and website… every radio station, tv outlet and website… every magazine and website… every sensitive loose-sphinctered singer/songwriter, jowly jaded pro, menacingly gesticulating Crow Jim rapper in full bounce-squat, silicon-titted tweetytwat, downtown two-bit hipster with an amp and a power drill, terminally melismatic American Idolater, sunglassed tinnitus-bound club dj, Asian Mozart specialist du jour, snotnose Jazz purist with a college degree in “so what”, subsonically growling deathmetal clown, melodically-gifted chucklehead superfluon, crackerass Country fraud yodeling belligerent odes to the “working man,” shitsoup soundtrack hack, head-tilting all-the-right-influences idea-free Rockist, drip-dry New Age soporificant, Ironic dork-pop-revivalist douchebag, fearless politically-aware lone wolf, closeted goth self-dramatizer, McSweeney’s-approved high-concept wunderkind, hustling has-been, anxious dreamer and self-plugger with a website…
…every blog.
Naaaaah, just kidding. Rock ON!
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