Posted 3:49 AM by sport

Even though I am an old, old guy, I try to stay on top of contemporary culture just to keep my perspective fresh and to make sure my music keeps the "edge" that has made it so beloved by so many for so long. Sitting on my ancient, grotesque ass in front of the TV for hours is a big part of that effort. Saw a great one tonight.

"The Twenty Sexiest Outtakes From 'The Top Twenty Most Controversial Moments In MTV List-Show History'" was really good. They showed this fat VeeJay guy who has a really quick dry wit introducing a clip from the "Countdown Of The Hottest Hotties of MTV Spring Break: The First 10 Years" in which Crash Test Dummies were playing while Gilbert Gottfried squeezed some girl's tits (those were the days), and just when the fat VeeJay was gonna make some really cutting remark about the old clip, who busts in but some other guy from MTV playing a practical joke. It involved something getting whipped out, but they obscured it with that pixelly computer censorship distortion so you couldn't tell what was being whipped out, but I think it was the guy's cock.

The fat VeeJay said something but they bleeped him, but it was funny as hell anyway. Man! It was something! So anyway, this clip was I think number 15 in the sexiest outtakes list and they had celebrities commenting on it.

Apollonia from Purple Rain said: "I remember hearing about the time one guy just took it out right there on the set of the 'Countdown Of The Hottest Hotties…' and, man, that was INSANE!"

Henry Rollins said "If there was a moment when even that fat VeeJay guy was caught speechless it was when the other guy hung a snake on him. Now THAT was a moment for the books!"

Some actress who used to be on the Cosby Show said: "We were watching that show in the dressing room of a Lifetime movie I was shooting, and I was SHOCKED to find out later that the fat guy had gotten flashed by the other guy right when he was about to introduce a clip."

Bronson Pinchot (I think) said: "Just remember kids… don't try this 'whipping your schlong out to embarrass the fat VeeJay' stuff at home!"

This comedian named Titus something-or-other said: "No VeeJay penises were harmed in the making of this outtake!"

Boy oh boy! Bronson Pinchot's so fucking funny. Or maybe it was some other, newer guy from some other, newer show like "Will and Grace." I'm not sure, but ha ha ha, I say! And that Titus guy is funny too! What a great show. And the ads! I could've watched another thousand of them without even caring anymore. It's always good to see Rollins too. He's such a legend.
Why is that?
Aside from Black Flag always having sucked damn near absolutely, it was the finest work Rollins was ever involved with. Does ANYBODY listen to him? If so, why?
Just kidding. He's the greatest! Yeah! Just look at him! Grrr!

I also think Colin Quinn's show "Tough Crowd" is just wonderful. It follows "The Daily Show" the way Monday follows the weekend. The way the void follows all we know, alll we love and all we dream. Quinn stands drinking deli coffee and bringing up topics from the news while a bunch of comedians sit around and insult each other. There's usually one female, one male negro and two male caucasians. Boy it's edgy! They affect that fake, forced "street" attitude that makes you glad you don't hang around with comedians. I watch it religiously because I'm sure that one night Colin Quinn will actually say something both coherent AND funny, and I wanna be there when it happens. Now he usually just makes funny comments on how his own gags bombed with the audience… the old Carson monologue "I know that joke sucked" save. Remember how hilarious that was the first 5,000 times Johnny used it? The best thing I saw so far was when Denis Leary was reduced to a sputtering, outraged embarrassment by the cutting, retaliatory remarks of a sharper, fresher comic. What could top it?

Maybe Quinn might make up a wacky story in which, let's say, his mother aggressively excludes (for the sake of example) my sister from planning her own son's memorial service, claiming that "the Kennedy family did it this way." Wouldn't that be funny? You bet! Imagine the nutty, unlikely-but-hilarious scenarios he could spin off of that premise! The antics of a whole brood of lace-curtain mick harpies and their spineless, eunuch males… all wallowing in their own ludicrous pomposity and the blood and tears of others! Hot dog! I bet that would be a hoot.

I love our culture!
I love people!
I love this life!